Professor Fur

"People always concern themselves with the volume of a live performance. I heard people talking about bringing noise filters to a concert to protect their hearing. I was thinking of issuing nose filters to protect their nose. That way if the music stinks, the audience will still be okay."

When approached with the prospect of providing content for my page on this web site, I thought we could devote some space to your answering your most frequently asked questions.

"Why are you such a wanker?"

Not Yet!!! Give me a moment to ramble and speak rhetorically first.

First, some of you may be asking "Where did the name Professor Fur come from?". Not many, but some of you may ask this. When I joined the Service at the very beginning of the 70’s, I already had some difficulty keeping an early 5:00 shadow from appearing on my cheeks after a nice day’s play with the Drill Instructors. They seemed to hold me personally responsible for this and offered their own special love and guidance in helping me address the issue. During one such session where everyone was invited to help celebrate my facial hair growth, my drill instructor shouted "EVERYONE FALL IN!!! AND BRING THAT FURRY F_CKER^1. WITH YOU!!!!!" Of course this was an invitation to a moniker that my fellow torture victims couldn’t pass up, but what to say while in civilization many years later? "Hey Furry F_cker" wouldn’t demonstrate the finest in social etiquette when dining, at say, Westwood for example. It was directly after Advanced Infantry Training that the moniker was morphed to reflect the brighter, more nerd like side of my character.

I'd like to answer this question in two ways. First, I'd like to answer while standing on my head. Then secondly . . . The band itself is temporarily going through a sort of "selective surgery" leaving only a few of its original members. In order to succeed, a business must continue to grow, improve, and mature. You must continue to offer the best possible product to your customer that you can. It's no longer enough to present music with that sort of casual disinterest with the world. That may have worked in the early 70's, but there is much more to entertainment today. Music is a business just like any other. In any organization, there will be people who just don’t see things the exact same way as others do. In fact, some people may not have much in the way of any sensory perceptive devices as commonly known to mankind^2.. When conflict exists, there are a various ways to resolve the disagreement. Explosives seem to be a favorite remedy of The United States House of Representatives. A majority of us in "The Hour" felt this could be a little bit of an excessive approach. Compromise was our chosen solution. Those who couldn’t live with compromise said goodbye^3.. Others of us determined to persevere have chosen to doggedly press on for even greater success than The Doll Sweating Hour currently enjoys.

Somewhere between 6'1" and 6'2", though I tend to slouch. Actually the others are technically much better trained than I am. The Doc graduated from a university with a degree in music then immediately took a job teaching music at that very same university.  Katie graduated from a conservatory and did a lot of private teaching. As for myself, I worked in a music store and practiced for as much as 12 hours per day, every day. I also played along with a popular TV program, The Merv Griffin Show, when I wasn't working. That Arthur Treacher⁴ really knew how to party.

"What is your biggest contribution to the band?"

I brought the chips and dip. Also, I enjoy the marketing and promotional aspects of the business. The others don't seem to enjoy that quite as much. They'd rather work on music and I'd rather construct nice hats which sport some type of spinning mobile. This makes for some rather good music, and some rather silly hats.

"Who are you biggest critics?"  

I imagine fashion designers who aren't particularly fond of the hats.

"Who are your biggest music critics?"

Probably elephants, though we rarely play at the zoo (it upsets the wallabies you know). If you're wondering who would dislike our music, I don't think there is anyone alive who truly enjoys music that wouldn't enjoy listening to The Doll Sweating Hour, and especially watch the show.

"Do you have any advice for other bands that are trying to make a go of it?"

First, in an attempt to quell all of those pesky rumors that I enjoy balancing old footwear on my elbows and making loud squeaking noises, I'll only do it a very tiny bit during this answer. . . . My first advice is to make your band a household name any way that you can. Unless you enjoy playing for basement rafters and snow tires, you are going to need to get the word out that your band exists and is good (assuming, of course, that you do, and you are). It never hurts to play every chance you get. Well it doesn't hurt much, just a bit behind the eyes and sort of off to this corner of your mouth.

"Members of The Doll Sweating Hour come from all over the world, and some of you were already celebrities before you were part of this band."

Please make your statements in the form of a question. I'm going to have to deduct 10 points from you. Did you want me to comment on this, or just go back to making my Brylcream sandwich and pretend that you aren't here?

"Is it true that audiences knew of Professor Fur before The Doll Sweating Hour?"

If you're implying that some of us were well known before The Doll Sweating Hour, how would you define "well known"? I was previously in a band (which will remain unnamed on this site) and occasionally had people whom I've never seen before bring me expensive and thoughtful gifts. I would often be approached in a shopping mall by someone full of compliments and questions. I always figured that they just liked my breath mint, but your observation could be right. I have noticed that you didn't bring me anything nice!

"Who were some of your musical influences?"

It depends upon which decade you're referring to. For electric bass, probably my biggest influence  was well into my music career during the late 70's, and would be Geddy Lee of Rush. For the music they were playing, he would put just the right bass line down at just the right time. Not too much, but not too little either. Very tasty.

"What is your favorite kind of music? Classical, Rock, Traditional Irish, Pop, Metal?"

Have you ever wondered who created studded snow tires? What were they thinking when they started poking small sharp metal objects into the tread? Actually, I like ALL of the styles you've mentioned. However my personal favorite, and I'm sure the favorite of many people, is the material which is being pioneered by The Doll Sweating Hour. A mixture of rock with classical and Celtic influence. It's difficult to find something which evokes more passion.

"Thanks for your time. You really are a loonie aren't you?"

No I'm not. And neither am I. You know, they said they said the same thing about Adnoid Guiltfavor.

"Adnoid Guiltfavor was a loonie."

Well, forget about that. Why don't you ask about our newest member?

"Okay. Tell me about your newest member". 

It's too soon to say . . .

Professor Fur can be reached at fur@irishwench.com.

^Footnotes
1.A very naughty explicative indeed!  (back to this point in the article)
^2.Much like the politicians of the Republican Party, though not quite as severe.   (back to this point in the article)
^3.To finally get around to answering the question.   (back to this point in the article)
^4.Merv's "Ed McMahon" style side kick. (back to this point in the article)

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